careless that i am

i forgot to go for a walk when it was pleasant
i went to play when the sun was hot
and i was awake when the world slept 


careless that i am
i never remembered what to do
i never acted the way i needed to
i stayed quite when all wanted to hear me
and i shouted when left no one was around

careless that i am
i promised myself and then forgot
i repeated the same mistakes that i shouldn't have
and i did things that i shouldn't have

careless that i am
i write again and again forget
i remember when its too late
and i then i ask myself why did it happen

careless for sure i am
i toyed with people's emotions n left
i made her cry even when i said i hated it
and i gave scars which might never heal

careless for sure i am
does my carelessness have any cure
or will i continue to hurt those i love
will i make them suffer and cry
or will i bear this alone and die

what fault is it of others for my actions
what fault is of their's for how i behave
why should they suffer for what i do
why should they forgive me for my careless attitude

i dont intend to reason or explain
neither do i think my saying will bring any change
it is correct that i am not trusted
they are right when they say i am worthless

i can do no good
all i can do is write
i write too much and talk a lot
may be that is how careless people are

but in my old life i never was careless
i was dedicated and affectionate
but since then a lot has changed
i used to be a boy and now trying to grow outside and within

i cannot ask for forgiveness as have lost your faith
i cannot face you as well coz i am proved careless
all i ask is let me grow
all i ask is wait to see what i turn into

i dont want to be careless not with you
but there are just too many things to change in one go
i am trying to move as fast as i can do
distance between us is far yet i am running towards you

bear with me just for sometime
i am careless but trying to revamp
dont know if at all will achieve
i still will try with what ever left in me

Critic

quill in my hands, i try to write my self
i sit gazing at the desk while i write my self
the mirror infornt of me filled with its lines
filled with strange markings, i feel is full of lies

lies that i wrote, dreams that i searched for
ambitions dipped in venom
thoughts i have corrupted myself with
mere desires that run in my viens
i stand here gazing at the mirror filled with lines

who is to hear what i write
to satisfy whom, do i write
is to pen down the guilt i bear
is to confess to myself to my sins

it seems to me  the sense im ,e has finnaly left
the emptyness around has started to melt
the bonds r being briged,
once lost is now left untouched

i scribble what calms my thoughts
i do what once a wise man had said
i look at the mirror filled with lines
i try to look through those lines
try to find the reflection try to find the face

I now Believe

What words do I use this night,
My mind tonight just can’t sleep
How I want to write I just can’t decide,
Because word just can not explain what today I feel

I am not sad that I am sure of,
Not low nor am depressed
Rather today as I lift my pen,
All that I feel has had me amazed

It’s been long since last time I wrote with out pain,
It’s been long since I felt the breeze from with in
The sun again is not hot enough,
Time again I feel has slowed down

Slow it is so that today I stole a moment to write,
And now I feel at peace with no scars to hide
I realized for long I hadn’t wrote with a smile,
Rather till today I now feel I had stopped living my life

All I was doing was just trying to survive,
Letting the sand slip with each passing time
But now come all, just look at me,
I am smiling with out pretending

I again feel like flying high,
With every push opening my eyes
Again today I got back on my feet,
Today not to pretend but to believe

The believe which I could again trust on,
Was one of the presents which a smile gave me
I new ray of hope is now what I see,
No more to pretend, now I can be me

This change which I feel now,
Made me realize its not over so soon
It proved to me that I am no more dead,
I no more am numb and now won’t stop living

I feel good I feel proud,
Of all the mistakes I made till now
I still haven’t forgotten to laugh loud,
Just was pretending than to confess out

This whole change is because of you,
And I wanted to tell you this before
Then thought it would be best if I said so today,
After what all you gave me this is what you get
I want you to know that today I happy and smiling,
Not because I have to but because today I want to
Thanks for giving me this choice to smile,
Now even if I will fall I won’t die
Because now I believe in what u always say,
“With good people only good happens by the end”

The Dessert……………………………

The dessert seems to be expanding every time I took a step to reach its end
The sand flew across my face every time I tried to open my eyes
The more thirsty I got, more water dried up from the ponds
More tired I felt the days became longer
The more I slept the nights got shorter
Stuck in this dessert I don’t know what to do
All I could do was to keep going
Keep going so that one day the dessert even may feel bad
The day he also would realize that I suffered a lot
Till the day he feels that I have been tested a lot and no more is the need
Till that I just have to go on


The hope on which I live sometimes die
My will at times starts to give up
The strength in my arms and legs long gone tease me
This happens every time a fall
They ask me what good am I if I can’t even walk
They poke me with questions to which I got no reply
I lie like a dead in front of them
And wait till they walk all over me

Every time this has happened I feel dead
Every time in this death I gained more strength
The strength which helps me up again
The power to once again stand and face
No matter what it throws at me I am willing to take
Pain, fear, loneliness and depression no more make me weak
I have lived through all of them and lived with them
We have all traveled in the same cart and gone through hell


Not scared of what hell will be like
Seen enough already down here
Here in this dessert where I stand
If devil comes to live would rename his hell
He too will escape coz its too hard
He too will be seen running all around
Till the time he realizes the real truth
Hell is not where you pay for what you do
It is right here where your close ones have to pay for what you do
Hell after death makes no difference but “death after hell” kills you from inside


See me burning you make enjoy,
Or seeing me in pain you also may suffer
But non of this would have never happened if you wouldn’t have been selfish
No one would have to pay if you thought about what you did
A right decision what looks to you may mess some one up
A kind selfless action you may take might end some one in this hell
No more is what I pray for all
Have meet many and made friends with lot
They all are in pain and now want to die
It’s a land of men insane of which one I am
We all pray for death when are with each other
We all wish that tomorrow don’t want to meet some one else
We all are selfish and want this land to our selves only
Hence we all wish no more are sent to this dessert so that its us only

My delusion

In the pond saw an iceberg
Strong and tall it stood
Frozen it shone like diamonds tied together
Deep it reached freezing all the water what was left
Even on a sunshine day it stood tall
Little drops of water when rolled down looked like
Stars falling from the sky
As the drops touched the hot water it felt even colder
It looked like the ice was not melting but helping the pond stay cold
More I went towards it I felt it going far
Every time I tried reaching out to it by my hand I felt it trying to escape my touch
Every single step I toke towards it, it kept running away
The sun above me was hard and hot
I felt drops of water rolling down my neck from behind my ears
Soon my hands too felt watery
Every step started becoming heavy
I felt as if I was holding a huge load on my shoulder which was slowly slowly slipping down
Soon the ice berg was out of my sight yet I did not loose hope
I kept moving towards the direction it went
I was running my best when I realized
My speed was slowing down
I had started to loose speed
My feet started getting tired
It felt as if they would no longer obey the orders of my mind
I was worried will I be able to walk again
Just then was a huge fall
A fall which I never was able to see
As if the hole appeared just a minute ago
I felt as if my legs were badly hurt
But soon got stable again and decided to run
Don’t know if it was my fate or my mistake
But I just could not get back on my feet again
i no more had my legs
no more were the feet with which I ran left
all that was left was water
in the pond of the water I had created my own pond
a pond which was cold n was dyeing
soon the sun would have heated it and melted the rest of my being
no more was I in a delusion
no more I was dreaming
I was a part of that iceberg
I was one of its edges
I was left behind
It was a very well thought decision
I was week n I was causing the whole ice berg to melt
So it left me behind alone in this pond under the shining sun
No more was I a stranger sitting along the bank observing the ice berg
I myself am a part of it
Or should I say was a part of it
No more delusions were left
And soon I realized all my life was a delusion
And today they all were broken
Like glass breaks.

life is at war

Life is at war……………….

Covered with love is what a baby was born with

Loved by parents is what his first birthday gift was

To get inspired, he has what we call brothers and sisters

Grows with all the love one can ever dream of is his future

But will this life he see now stay

Or will he too be pushed to the point where he just snaps and breaks in to pieces

Or if he does not then just die with the pain and weight on his soul, his life

When born, right now all cares and loves him

But as he grows with it he must grow strong

Be able to have the strength to kill his own self when required

And to teach this he has no one

Neither his parents nor the ones he looks up to

There is only one teacher who can teach him but ….

He never teaches any one yet every one gains strength from him

He is not god……….no not at all

He is something we not very often want to come across

He is what we call LIFE

As he grew his first lesson came

He was just 3 when his training started

An age where one does not even know what is right or what is wrong

To be honest even as grown ups we also don’t know what is what

All we do is to make a visible line between the two but we always tend to forget

There is always a GREY shade in between them

The first test was to not remember the one who gave him life

To forget every single memory of the one who promised to take care of him at all times

He was to withstand the loss of his basic support

But as it always said life and time wait for none

He too moves on with nothing to remember

All is left is a blurred picture of someone, who from him never existed

A picture that gave him shivers

Something which scared him so much that even the most prettiest of the dreams went red

But this was just the start of a never ending process

Like every structure needs pillars to stand he did too

It is just that now he has to balance without one

It was not fair in his terms but if compared to some one who stands alone he still was lucky

He went on to grow but this time the love made him strong

Not weak and dependent because he understood the first basic truth

He went to grow in a fine young boy with a mind which still is fighting

A mind who has been fighting against the very life

Who fights for the right to shape his own self but life never agrees

As he fought he grew stronger and seeing this

It was decided to teach him the next lesson which would break his will

And the lesson was love

He grew on to love some one so pretty that no one has ever seen

Some one who was pure from heart

Some one like him some one who was better

Some one who just wasn’t fighting rather some one

Who took to fight to the other side

Some one who was to be punished for her outrageous rebellious acts

He grew on to love someone like this

Love her to a limit that he himself never had thought

And so it all began

The beginning of the next lesson was most beautiful

It gave him a sense of completion a sense of security and love

It taught him how tough was to start

But it was even tougher to go on and keep it with himself always

He learned to respect and to live up

He now had an aim which he always wandered for

This time he was not ready to let go

Not to let this war end without a fight

Not like the last time when he never realized what he had lost

He promised to always stand by her side no matter what happened

He promised to love her till the last day of his life

Promised to keep her safe from every thing

Promised to support her and help her win this war

The war which he too was fighting

But he never cared for his front

All he cared about was to make her win

And so together they stood hard on the ground taking every blow that came

The worst hit was when fate tried to part him away from her

He went somewhere far and she was left alone

But none of them gave up, brave they both were

This was something that was not acceptable

And then came time for his lesson

The lesson he will never forget

Something of whose memories will haunt him to the last day of his life

He again stood at a point where he had to choose

A point where he had to choose either his bright future or his love

And so he did he left his future for the one without whom there was no future

He choose his love and now the war had taken a u-turn

But then something so terrible happen

He came back for his love but………

He never saw her again

The day he came back he was happy because he was back to fight with her love

What he did not know was that she was now fighting this war for the last time

She tried to withstand for some time but just after 2 days of his return

What she did was something no one had thought

She saw herself facing a defeat and

She was one who could never gave up so

Instead of losing it she killed herself and with that blow won the war

She had won because she did not do what she was asked to

She did what she wanted to but now he was again left alone

Broken into pieces all he saw was to give up

All he thought was to also kill himself and this time he couldn’t move on

Just when he was going to give up he found the perfect medicine for himself

The perfect dose that made him kept on fighting this war

The medicine was wounds…………………

Wounds which he gave himself

It helped him to ease the pain of guilt of failing in his promise

And kept him fighting

He went on doing this till there was no place in his body or soul with no wounds

It went to such a limit that he started seeing his victory

But then suddenly………………………………………

In his life came some one who promised to fill in the empty space

He too forgot his war and went on to do things as they were meant to be done

He lived in the illusion for sometime but soon it was to end

And now when it has end he is ready to start the war again

Only this time he is much more stronger than ever before

He still is fighting and will be till he dies

He did had forgotten his aim for sometime but like it always happens

After the rain the sun shines brightly and so will he too

One day he will win and will live on to celebrate but till then

He has to fight and that is what he will do

He still loves her same way he used to

Still wishes her to come back

Still is empty from inside but now he knows

He knows if he wins she will return

She will again be his and they again will be together

The story which they started they both will end

And so I too wish it does happen

After all the pain he has been through and is still going through

I wish him luck …………………….. not for his victory

But for the strength to absorb all the pain that will come his way

For HER from HIM

As time went by I thought I would forget you,
Every day woke up with a thought of not remembering,
Yet all I did was to end the day with nothing but loneliness,.
I had lost something
Lost something I could never fill the space that was left,
I felt hollow and yet all I could do was to move
Walking was not as easy as it looked,
Not when I saw the path I chose to walk on
A path which had shattered glass all on the floor
I walk where all I was, was bear footed
A path so dark, I could not see my hands
So deserted that my presence gave me chills
A path whose walls I painted with the blood dripping from my torn veins
Ghosts of life came on and off to threat me
And what went missing was my desire

It became even worse when I was to walk over a body
A body with no life and cold as ice
Cold it had become with wounds which went right through the heart
I traveled from the head to the heart and saw what I should have never seen
A person who is no better than a geisha
I met a life which could never be called as living
A soul who even the devils wishes to escape from
I call it so because it is he who has committed the worst of all the crimes
It is he who has to repay his acts through the sentence
The sentence of feeling the same pain of death as he made his love feel
But to add to his misery he has to feel it every single day.
He has to wake up with a thought of regret
And every night has to die with the pain of living

As I kept moving on with my journey
All I wanted was an answer to my question
A question which HE also who suffers wanted to ask ever since long
Was this sentence good enough?
The answer had hid himself in the pain which HE suffered
The answer was NO. the punishment was nothing in terms of what he chose to suffer
No one ever pushed him to suffer the pain neither did anyone forced him
It was HE who chose to suffer and he did it because it was all he was left with
It was this pain that made him feel his love again and again
Knowing him was never a pleasure but always pain
And still every time even now when I sit alone all I remember is HE
Like a prostitute he had sold away his body to the pain and the scars were his rewards
HE still smiles even if his body may be bleeding
But now he just loves dieing every day


All I could do as a poet was to watch him as he drowned himself in his own blood
Saw him laughing every time the knife went deeper
Saw him praying to have a life of pain so as to he can always feel what he missed
Saw him crying when ever he saw light
And then saw him getting habitual of all the pain
It was his addiction and it was only HE who enjoyed
Neither did I nor could you have enjoyed it
It was for him and will always be for him
Just like his love
She lived with him
Died waiting for him
Loved him
And it was his turn
To live on with the pain to repay all she did
Just FOR HIM